It's all in my head. . .

It started with my knee many years ago in high school. It would ache and smart and generally bother me until I, finally, sought help through physical therapy in college. Unfortunately, I did not get any relief. A few years later I hurt my shoulder while doing archaeological field work in graduate school. The pain, like my knee pain, never resolved itself despite treatment. Then, a few years ago, my right leg began to hurt terribly from my hip to my foot aggravating my knee and an old injury to my calf. The pain forced me to stop running despite the fact that I had grown to really love it. A few months ago I hurt my left shoulder, and the pain was so intense that for a while it kept me up at night along with the pain in my hip, knee. leg, and right shoulder.

I finally had enough when a few dear friends encouraged me to seek help. I've seen my family doctor, a chiropractor, an acupuncturist, a reiki practitioner, a yoga therapist, a physical therapist, an orthopedic surgeon, and a back specialist. I've had countless x-rays, blood tests, three MRIs, two cortisone shots, and several courses of anti-inflammatory medication. Now all the test results are in and the results show. . .

Nothing.

I have some inflammation in my right shoulder and runner's knee (a term which really means: "your knee hurts and we don't know why"), but that is it. There is nothing damaged whatsoever.

Of course I'm immensely relieved to hear this, but I also feel. . . foolish and embarrassed.

The pain I've been feeling for years has no source and therefore no cure.

I've exhausted and annoyed my caregivers. The orthopedic surgeon finally told me (kindly, but firmly) after a long discussion about my knee and right shoulder that he didn't even want to discuss my left shoulder. He said that there was basically nothing to be done except perhaps more physical therapy. The physical therapist has not returned my call, but the last time I was there I could tell that she was frustrated with my odd array of issues. The back doctor left a message today that said that there is "nothing to explain your right leg pain."

Nothing.

Nothing is wrong. Nothing in my physical body is broken. So, if every aspect my my person is completely healthy then where does the problem really lie? The answer, I'm afraid, is difficult to admit.

Why am I writing about this in such a public forum? Because I, like my doctors, am exhausted, I am tired of hearing myself talk about it, and I fear answering direct questions regarding my situation now. I simply lack the energy and courage to say these words out loud to those who are bound to ask. So I've written about it here to head off any questions that may come my way.

I need to close this chapter and deal with this all in my own way now. I'll be working with my yoga therapist and my friend who is schooled in natural healing. I'm going to work on understanding the mental and (if there are any options left) physical origins of my pain and work on alternative ways to heal my mind and body.

I'm going to thank the universe every day for a sound body with no diseases or serious injuries plaguing it. I'm going to work on finding a way to make myself understand that I am in control of my body and my pain.

I'm going to move on.