Today was one of those days that makes you want to capture each scene and trap it in a snow globe: winter play, cookie baking, sleeping in, reading, goofing off. Days like these both exhilarate and frighten me since underneath it all I feel shaky like the whole pretty snow globe is built on tooth pick legs. Beneath the joy is so much grief and fear, but I worked hard today (harder than I should have to) to let that go and "live in the moment," as they say.
My friend Sarah said that December is the month to feel all the feelings, and it is true. Every little thing feels so tender and momentous and wonderful and rocky all at the same time.
It's exhausting maneuvering these ship-swaying December waves of emotion. These one moment excited-and-giggly and the next moment teary-and-scared feelings.
I miss my mother and my sister who live far away beyond mountain ranges and states. I miss my deceased father and grandmothers who live beyond even the sea and sky now. I miss my far-away friends who are everywhere but here in my tiny little town. I miss friends who are only streets away but who have grown as distant as if they are in foreign lands.
But despite this heart-sore missing of so many people I do recognize that I am surrounded by love. My good, kind, sweet friends and family, near and far, shower me with light and affection, and I know I am blessed and lucky. I want to push this feeling of happy gratitude to the front of my life and to feel those feelings more deeply than those that pull me down with sadness.
I try. God knows I try. And sometimes, on days like today, I win this little battle, and I will crawl into bed contended and warm. Tonight I will sleep the sleep of the fortunate, and I will dream of the sea and the mountains and I will taste sea salt on my tongue and smell redwood in the air. I will wake in the morning to the sound of the snow plow and ready myself for another day.